Don’t And Say You Did

If you gag, are grossed out, creeped out or otherwise offended by reading about bodily functions then you should probably know that’s what this post is about. Here’s a suggestion – Don’t read it and Say you did. Easy Peasy.

If you don’t believe me and you’ve read this far then you should probably place a hand over your eyes and peek through your fingers while you read the rest.  You've been warned.

You know what creates a big buildup to nothing better than anything else on earth? Gas. Yep. Gas. You sit down to pee or read a book….whatever…and you feel those warning tinglings that signal an Epic pooptacular event is about to commence. Since you haven’t had any kind of pooptacular event in awhile you get kind of excited and a little worried. Even if you have given birth to a 6.5 lb baby – without pain meds – the fear of days of backup unclogging all at once can cause some fear. But you think that just maybe a couple of those 43 ¾ inches will melt away in the aftermath and so you also have some excitement.

You go against the unspoken rule of not going #2 in the work bathroom that’s right down the hall from people’s offices and give a timid, experimental push.

Pft!
That felt promising!

Another, slightly stronger push.

PFt!!
This is going to be worth all of the build up I know it. I may even need more than one wad of toilet paper!

Okay going for the gusto here with a really strong “GET THIS BABY OUTTA ME!” push.

PPPFFFFTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

(OMG! I hope no one standing in the hall heard that!) and…….
wait for it,
wait for it…..

plip.

Push again.
Nothing.
And again….
nothing.

That’s it?? That little pebble?? The biggest non-event in the history of pooping.
Dang you gas!

(did I really just write about pooping??)